Resourcing: How Do Boundaries make you safe?

In the span of two weeks, I have had questions about personal boundaries come up a bunch of times.  A friend over a morning walk asked in a conversation about why it’s so difficult to set boundaries at times and what I think the interplay between boundaries and safety are.  Yesterday my daughter told me that an acquaintance asked her a really personal question about her sexuality in a public place and in the moment she did not know what to say.  This morning – again serendipity- I listened to Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast which touched on this topic in such an artful way that I felt compelled to sit down and write my thoughts on this. (If you’re interested the podcast was entitled Perfectionism, Numbing, Boundaries, Polling and Authenticity).

When my daughter asked about how to handle that moment with her friend, I searched for words to convey how to still be friends with someone but have boundaries with that person. I stumbled through some personal anecdotes and analogies to try to convey what Ms. Brown and others have explored and defined so beautifully. (In fact, I had to shut the podcast off this morning to take a moment to absorb the giant poke in the eye).

Ms. Brown has provided two really excellent definitions of boundaries- the first – a simple “what’s okay and not okay.”  The second a stunning quote by Prentis Hemphill, a teacher and embodiment coach, defines boundaries as (yes, cover your eyes)

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

JUST WOW.  As a recovering over-giver and innate caretaker, boundaries have not always come easy.  My default go- to is to take care of others first. It has always been easier to hold my own disappointment or resentment than it has been to disappoint or hurt other people. And like someone walking on new Bambi legs, at times the way that I have handled setting boundaries has been clumsy because EVERY time I set a hard boundary I have to step into holding the discomfort and disappointment of the other person.  An emotional plank that the more I practice the stronger I get.

It also makes relationships feel safer. Ms. Brown suggested that setting boundaries is deciding to choose “discomfort over resentment.” When you don’t set boundaries and you over-give or over-share, there is a level of relationship protection that you are failing to ask for yourself. This can lead to resentment and burn-out.

So to go back to my friend and my daughter, I thought very hard about how you describe to both of them how to decide what’s okay and what’s not okay. I think that boundaries require practice and that means getting out in front of situations before you are forced to be boundaried. Here are some tips for practicing boundaries;

1. Get present with your needs and in touch with your physical and emotional resources (i.e. how full/low is your tank? Does this feel good or bad? Do you feel a deep felt sense of yes or no?);

2. Don’t commit to an answer in the moment if you feel that you don’t know your boundary or can’t ask for it in the moment;

3. Practice a boundary script for responses when dealing with difficult people or situations (this can be a simple- I will need to get back to you on this or No, I’m not able to);

4. Understand who you are dealing with in advance- is this someone who is   respectful of boundaries, boundaried in their interactions with you and accountable for themselves? (i.e. not an emotional vampire); and

5. Don’t be afraid to circle back to something or someone if you didn’t get it right on the first go around. Practice makes perfect and sometimes after thinking about a situation you realize the right way to ask for what you need or to set the boundary

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Get the tools you need to start setting healthy boundaries. Listen in to a discussion I just recorded with my best friend Vanessa Kelly, where we talk about the 5Rs and how they can help us in our every day lives.