5 Tips to Dig Out of Gopher Co-Parenting

Co-parenting can be challenging under any circumstances, but when you’re dealing with a gopher co-parent, it adds a whole new layer of complexity. A gopher co-parent, is one who is often absent or disappears for a time and reappears or pops up at times when it is convenient for them to do so. Sometimes disappearing for daily parenting tasks like sick days, homework and extra-curricular activities only to re-appear when it comes time for big decisions like choice of schools, medical decisions or school breaks.

Gopher co-parenting behavior can be triggering and crazy-making for the parent who is doing most of the lift of parenting, especially when your custody arrangement is defined as a joint custody arrangement but the felt sense is that you are operating as a sole custody arrangement. However, with patience, understanding, and a few strategic approaches, co-parenting with a gopher co-parent can be manageable and even successful. Here are five essential tips to help you navigate this unique situation:

1. 1. Establish Clear Communication Channels: Communication is key in any co-parenting arrangement, but it’s especially crucial when dealing with a gopher co-parent, Establish clear and reliable communication channels that both you and your gopher co-parent can access easily. Utilize technology like messaging apps, email, or shared calendars to keep each other informed about schedules, appointments, and important updates (Our Family Wizard or Google Calendar are common options).
   2. Create a Regular Schedule: Gophers are notorious for their unpredictable behavior, so it’s essential to create a regular co-parenting schedule and build in agreements as to notification and timing of any changes to this schedule to prevent unexpected disappearances and to create consistency for you and your children;.
   3. Establish Boundaries and Expectations: Clearly define boundaries and expectations for both parents regarding their roles and responsibilities in the co-parenting arrangement. This can be with respect to everything from how sick days are handled to who buys the teacher gifts or plans your child’s birthday party. Discuss how you will handle decision-making, discipline, and communication. Setting mutual expectations upfront can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts down the line.
   4. Learn to Deal with their Disappearing Act: The disappearing and re-appearing can be triggering at best and infuriating to say the least, but try to maintain your cool. Refrain from unproductive criticisms and engaging in attacking text or email campaigns. Staying calm and maintaining your composure will help you not only in dealing with your co-parent, but will also help safeguard your child’s relationship with their other parent. Likewise, it will present you in the best light if you have to revisit custody and parenting time issues in Court or with outside expert help.
   5. Bring in Professional or Outside Help: Try to seek help before you reach your breaking point. Co-parenting therapists can help create better communication between co-parents or more accountability from the gopher co-parent. Individual therapy can create outlets to vent frustration and work on boundary setting. If you’ve reached your breaking point; consulting with a family law attorney experienced with addressing these types of co-parenting challenges can also be extremely helpful.

Co-parenting with a gopher co-parent can make you feel like you are being pulled down the gopher hole with them at times. Digging out of co-parenting pitfalls by establishing clear communication, creating a regular schedule, setting boundaries and expectations, practicing maintaining your composure and seeking outside help, can hepnavigate co-parenting with a gopher successfully. Remember that the ultimate goal is to provide a loving and supportive environment for your children, and by working together, you can achieve that goal despite the unique challenges you may face.

Let us help you navigate your custody, parenting time and co-parenting issues. Contact our office to schedule a consultation with Georgia Fraser, Esq., an experienced and knowledgeable family law attorney. You may contact us online or call us at 609-223-2099.

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