Ten Tips to Up Your Self-Care Game During Divorce

Perhaps you’ve been the stay-at-home parent who puts everyone else’s needs first or the over-functioning parent who is responsible for keeping every aspect of your family life running smoothly. Which-ever version of stressed-out, over-functioning and over-giving you are – its important, especially during a divorce to put the oxygen mask on your own face first. As a practicing family law attorney for over 25 years, I not only encourage my clients to resource themselves during divorce, but I have created a strong self-care game for myself to support the personal and professional care I give to my clients. Here are some of my favorite self-care tips for my divorce and family law clients:

1.      Find Some Quiet and Alone (or as I refer to it the real Q&A): Nothing beats quiet time to hear your own thoughts, process your feelings and reset yourself. Likely if you are an over-giver or an over-functioner you don’t get an awful lot of Q&A.  Schedule some time when no one is around OR leave the house and search out some Q&A (browse a book-store or favorite shop, walk on the beach or go to your favorite go-to quiet spot);

2.      Reach for Connection: A dear friend coined this as the Noah’s Ark principle, in that in life you need such a big support community that it should be at least two of every kind of friendship and connection. Deep and Meaningful, fun and social, mentor/confidante, parent or parental figure (and so on and so on). The Harvard Study of Adult Development has found that human connections may be the single most critical determinant of long-term happiness and health. So make sure to take time to build out your Ark;

3.      Incorporate Regular Movement:  Whatever your favorite type of movement is-prioritize doing it at least a few times a week. Neurophysiological studies show that movement helps support emotional regulation literally moving emotions through us as we move. Start small- a 10 minute walk or brain break from your day can really help re-fill your tank.

4.      Take Time In Nature:  According to the National Academy of Science spending as little as 20 minutes in nature can significantly reduce the stress hormone cortisol. So find some time for some fresh air and sunshine each day;

5.      Practice Self-Compassion:  Dr. Kristin Neff an influential self-compassion scholar says that self-compassion is “simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” Create a daily practice of extending grace and compassion to yourself. Including replacing any negative self-speak with kind words and affirmations;

6.      Build in Additional Support:   In addition to connection we sometimes need more dedicated support for our emotional and mental health. Find mental health professionals, lean on spiritual leaders or explore mental health modalities like meditation and mindfulness to help support your mental and emotional health during difficult times.

7.      Set Healthy Boundaries:  Boundary setting is a process of not only asserting to other people how you want to be treated and what you will accept but also a commitment to yourself as to where you will engage and put your own energy. Some boundary setting examples include learning to say “no” with no other explanation, learning to honor your own wants and needs, expressing  your feelings responsibly and safely, learning Gray Rock and other strategies for dealing with abusive dynamics and people, and scheduling time for yourself in your daily and weekly calendar;

8.      Engage in Fun and Play: Sometimes in caring for others and putting ourselves last we forget to practice the things that make us feel like our true selves and that make us feel happy and alive. Make time for the things you love to do and cultivate time regularly for fun and play;

9.      Cultivate Simple Comforts: Practice a routine of simple comforts as a part of a regular self-care regimen.  This can be anything from having a special treat on-hand (I am partial to any kind of ice cream), a glass of wine or the cocktail of your choice, a hot mug of tea, special comfortable clothes to put on after a difficult day, or daily down-reg rituals like stretching/journaling at the end of the day;

10.  Focus on Personal Growth: Use this period of transition as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Try new activities, explore new interests and dream a bit about your post-divorce self. 

Remember that self-care looks different for everyone, so find what works best for you and prioritize your well-being as you navigate through this challenging time. For more information about how we can help take care of you during your divorce or family law issue, contact us online or call us to schedule a consultation with experienced family law attorney Georgia Fraser, Esq.  609-223-2099.